You DEMANDED it and now you have got it! Thaddaeus T. Hogg, the Hillbilly Marketer, has come out with his first report. People all over the world have fallen in love with Thad's back woods sense of humor and they have been asking... no, DEMANDING, that he write something with more substance than his normal hilarious articles!
Whoooo Weeee! Who Ya Gonna Call When It Is Time To Dew Some Serious Bug Butt Kickin'? The Hillbilly Marketer, That's Who!
Jest
think about it... there yew are sittin' with yer bestest guy or gal.
That big ole'
full yeller moon is just a
risin' over them thar tree tops and yew done be knowin' that love is in the
air! Yer sittin'
right next to each other on thut thar soft love seat in the back of yer
pickup, jest lookin' dreamily into each others eyeballs. Yew lean towards
each other and yore moist, tender lips commence to touchin together. Tenderly, oh so
gently, yew swap tobacco juice with each other and you done be
knowin... this here IS love! All of a
sudden like, yore "bestest other" lets out a little yelp and jumps up outta
thut dadgum seat of love! Yore so startled, yew swaller yore plug of
tobacco. Yore so mad thut yew start to spittin' and spumin' because yew
didn't WANT to swaller thut ther plug until later. Dadgum thing still
had plenty of tobacco juice in it! What in tarnation just happened... BUG BITE! Yes
sir, I done be a knowin... thut thar same exact thing has probably done
happened to yew quite a few times, too! I can shore imagine whut yore
purty dadblamed tired of it. I'm right thar with yew, my bug bit friend! That is why I done gone and wrote a report to make shore thut ain't gonna be a happenin' no more than nine or ten more times... AND THAT'S IT! Interducing'...
Thaddaeus T. Hogg's "Guide to Bug and Insect Repellin' and Treatin'!"
Dear Bug Bit Friend,
I done knowed yew is sick and tired of gettin' bug bit all the dadburn time! Well sir, I done gone and wrote a report on treatin' and repellin' bug bites. In this here report yew will learn what stops thut thar stingin' and itchin' from those dadburn bug bites AND it also tells yew how to be a preventin' them bugs from bitin'!
In this here report, yew is gonna learn:
- The history of bug bites!
It goes all the way back to Adam and Eve
- Natural home remedies
what will make them thar bug bites start feelin' a whole bunches better
- Natural home remedies
what will keep them dadgum bugs from bitin' in the first place. Quite
honestly, ain't nothin' better than Granny Whistlepoop when she breaks
wind but she's a mite expensive to fly out to yer place. BUT this
here report has a few of the next best things which is available
-
My
most favoritest home remedy for treatin' them thar bug bites
- I tell yew the story
of how ole' Booger used my most favoritest remedy when he gots in
trouble with some a them rattlers he was always a huntin'
- I reveal my innermost forbidden' secrets about whut yew SHOULDN'T use fer bug bites
I'm shore by now thut yew is startin' to feel all tingly inside your britches from all the excitment! See, that is whut this here sales letter is SUPPOSED to do! I'm buildin' yew all up so you will be peein' in yer pants to get a copy of this here report. But hold on a dadgum minute there amonia britchies!
Guess whut else I am gonna do fer you! I said "GUESS" dadgumit! Cain't figger it out, can yew? Well, if yew will buy this here report, right now, I am gonna let you give it away to other folks! Yew git whut them thar gooroos call "giveaway rights" meanin' yew can use it for content, yew can use it in membership sites, yew can give it away... jest about anythin' yew be a wantin' to do with it. JEST ABOUT... see, yew cain't be a changin' a dadgum thing in thut thar report but thut thar is jest about it.
Whoooo weeee, yew cain't beat that with a stick! This here deal is hottern a date with Shania Twain eatin' Jalapeno peppers on a hot summer day in Texas!
How Much Does It Cost?
Well, now, this here is where I gots to give yew a little bad news. The fact is, this here report ain't very cheap. I'm a gonna have to be a chargin' quite a bit of moolah for this here report but I shore do be a havin' some purty good reasonin' for it! I'm afraid I am a gonna have to charge yew $5 fer this here top quality report!
Why Does It Cost $5?
I'm charging $5 for this here report for 3 reasons...
- I
knowed $5 is a ton of money for mostest people. See, mostest people don't
make over $5 per week like the ole' Hillbilly does so yew cain't be
expected to live as high on the hog as I do! I unnerstand that! Fact
is, all them big gooroo marketers say that people jest don't appreciate
somethin' lessin they be a payin' a lot of money for it. THAT is why I am
chargin' so much money for this here report. I want yew to be
appreciatin' it!
- Anyone who's not serious enough about them thar bug bites to invest $5 into this report
isn't gonna even take the time to use them thar methods laid out in the report anyway.
- Okay, now here is the biggest one... kin
I tell yew a little secret? Okay, hunker up close to yer pooter
screen and let ole' Hillbilly whisper something into yer dadburn
ear... see here, ole' Hillbilly done gone and got his eyeballs set on this
here purty little filly what just makes me feel like I gots fire ants deep down in my
drawers! I am plumb smitten! Let me show yew a pitcher I have of her...
Now
you talk about somebody that looks real good nekid... I gots to
tell you that I shore do look good nekid, but she's not interested in
seeing me nekid so I'm gonna have to impress her with my high falutin
life style.
I'm chargin' $5 for this here report so this here little filly will take a liken to me! Yew can tell jest by a lookin at her thut she is a high falutin thoroughbred. Jest take a real close look at her and yew will be a seein whut I mean.
Yew be a seein' whut I was a talkin' about? Didn't I tell yew? You will not find any finer rope than what thut there girl done be a holdin' in her hand. Jest look at it!!! Tarnation, yew jest don't find fine rope like that jest anywhere!
Jest look at her face... that thar hat jest dips down over her face like nothin' yew ever seen before. Have yew EVER seen a purtier hat? Heck, no, yew ain't!
Now, jest take a looksee down below thut thar neck. Whoo weee, have yew EVER seen a purtier double-barrel squirell shooter than whut is broken open acrost her dadgum shoulder?
And last, but certainly not the leastest, did yew even be a noticin' thut thar chest she has? Take a look jest to the left of thut thar chest and yew will see one of them thar barbed war tatooes! Lord Gawd have mercy on my soul! I jest cain't hardly stand it!!! I jest be a wishin I had one a them thar tatooes like thut thar!
NOW do yew be a seein why I hast to charge $5 for this hear report? Yew jest don't find that many wimmin what come standard with all that there equipment! I jest has to do whutever it takes to be impressin' thut thar gal.
Now, this here part is where all them big gooroos say that I am supposed to be a puttin' a real strong "call to action." Thut thar in laymens terms means I am supposed to tell yew to buy my report real bold like...
DADGUMIT! ALL YEW VARMINTS HAD BEST BE BUYIN' THIS HERE REPORT RIGHT NOW OR I'LL NEVER BE A TURNIN' THESE HAMSTERS I AM HOLDIN' HOSTAGE LOOSE! (Kevin Riley done told me to be a sayin' thut thar)
If yore serious about yer lorem ipsum dolar sit amet, yew will get this here report right now and be a read it today.
See them highlighted words above this line (ipsum dolar sit amet)? See, this here sales writin' used to be a sales template and them words was already in here. I think I was supposed to take them out but, you know what... I sorta started takin' a hankerin' to them; so I am gonna keep them things in. I don't be a knowin whut they mean but they shore do sound important!
As a matter of fact, I AM deadly serious about thut thar "ipsum dolar sit amet" and anybody else in their right mind outta be serious about theirs! Come on, folks, where in tarnation would yew be without it?
Yes sir, for the price of a fast food dinner down at the Road Kill Kwikie, yew shore can have all of the information yew be a needin' to jump full force into thut thar lorem ipsum dolar sit amet. Jest please be careful iffin yew do jump in thut yew don't be a landin' on Miss Penelope. She get's a mite ticked iffin folks done be a landin' on her!
So if you're serious about lorem ipsum, click the "Click Here To Jump All Over This Here Thing" button below. If you need to justify the expense, skip going to McDonald's for dinner once this week and it's paid for.